Morning Sickness

By SN

Sometimes I really have to laugh at life.

Saturday we ran into Nurse Surge at the store. I know we've talked a bit about why we love our doctor and his office, but this encounter really sums it up. She asked how I was doing and I told her that I had been sick off and on, but we were learning to be pro-active about it, eating small snacks and stuff like that. She said she was glad I had been sort of sick - which, honestly, I had been too - because that was a good sign that things were doing what they were supposed to.

Sunday at church, I said a very similar thing to one of the dear ladies who has been on this journey with us when she asked how I had been feeling. During church (the theme of which has been "Going Fishing" this month,) the pastor was telling stories about fish cooking and asked if we could smell it. Well, I almost imagined too well and was close to having to leave. I had a little snack (from the looks on their faces, I'm sure the old guys collecting the offering really appreciated my need to be eating crackers) and was feeling better. We had a big lunch and then I took off to go get the dog (see Pregnancy Brain 1, SN & LB 0) and I grabbed a Coke on the way to help get me back home before I needed to eat again.

Not only was I not sick when I got home, I wasn't hungry all night. So I didn 't eat anything last night (I know, I know) and I wasn't sick at all last night or this morning. So much for my "good sign."

So this morning, I pretty much freaked out and spent a good 45 minutes looking up how bad it is if your morning sickness goes away overnight (it's really not anything that can be a predictor one way or the other) and reading other ladies horror stories.

I got to eat lunch with LB and just talking to her and sort of acknowledging how worried I am and how much I really want this to work and for our Little Flash to be ok and on the way helped. I also have been reminding myself of a few of God's promises - the one that keeps going through my head is from VBS about 8 years ago: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will keep your path straight. Yeaaaaaaah, God!" (I don't know what version they got it from since I've never seen the last sentence in any of my translations. You also sort of need the rhythm/beat that goes with it to really know what's been in my head but I'll save all of you from that terror.)

The other one that has been working on me is from Psalm 139: 13-16.

¹³ You created the deepest parts of my being. You put me together inside my mother's body.  ¹⁴ How you made me is amazing and wonderful. I praise you for that. What you have done is wonderful. I know that very well. ¹⁵ None of my bones was hidden from you when you made me inside my mother's body. That place was as dark as the deepest parts of the earth. When you were putting me together there, ¹⁶ your eyes saw my body even before it was formed. You planned how many days I would live. You wrote down the number of them in your book before I had lived through even one of them

It's been sort of calming because I know that it's true for any little one that's working on growing inside me. I know that what ever happens with this pregnancy, it will be fine. Even though I freak out a little (ok, ok, a lot) sometimes, at the center of my being I know we'll be fine.

Pregnancy Brain 1, SN & LB 0

By SN

This afternoon I had to go halfway to Kansas City to pick up my sister's dog so he can stay with us while she goes to NYC. Since LB is on call, we took both vehicles. My Jeep's air conditioning isn't working so we switched cars after church and she took my Jeep home while I took her car on to meet my sister.

One problem: Her house keys are on the key ring with her car keys (which were on the way to meet my sister with me and her car) and my house keys are on a lanyard that I keep in my purse (also on the way to my sister with me.)

Ooops.

We'll chalk this one up to hormones (and hope LB forgives me at some point for having to break into the house.)

All growth is a leap in the dark...

... a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience. - Henry Miller

By LB

When we were having all of the doctor's appointments the week before insemination I missed work several times. During that time I had told the other vet at work why I was missing so much work and what we were doing. So every time she saw SN over the next few weeks she had this big smile and curious expression on her face, waiting for any news. So the night that SN told me she was pregnant I texted her to tell her the news because I knew there was no way I could wait for long with her!

Yesterday SN watched her two girls, 4 years & 18 months old. After work I went over to her house. She mentioned that she had an infant car seat that she didn't need anymore and asked if we wanted it. We said it sounded like a good idea and she took us downstairs to show it to us. As she was showing us the buckles and bases and instruction manual and infant inserts I started feeling utterly overwhelmed with it all. I mean, it's one thing to be pregnant, but it's another thing entirely to start acumulating baby items! I looked at SN and could tell that she was experiencing a similar type of hyperventilation. I told my coworker that I was completely intimidated by the idea of getting a car seat and she laughed. She offered to keep it at her house for a while until we felt more ready for it.

Picking up that car seat and carrying it up the stairs to the car felt like one of the boldest steps I've ever taken - even bolder than choosing a donor or getting the IUI done. So we now own an infant car seat that is in beautiful condition. I believe it's still in the back end of SN's Jeep.

Monthly Questions 1 (a day late)

By SN

About a month ago, we spent a weekend nerding out on pregnancy journals. And basically came to the conclusion that

a) there are none for lesbians

b) the ones that try to be really suck and

c) we are too picky to just pick one.

So, since we're sort of doing our journal on here, we're just going to answer the questions we like. We are planning on doing these every four weeks (approximately at the end of each month.)
 
First up, the monthly check-in questions:
Foods that are making me queasy:

Chinese apparently (we had it last night and it didn’t sit too well), coffee on an empty stomach

Foods that I am craving:

Not meat - veggies (especially green veggies), fruit juice

Strangest snack:

Grilled cheese made with brown mustard on the bread, cheddar cheese, Swiss cheese, blue cheese, and honey inside; eaten with a ginger ale at 9:00 pm.

How I am feeling physically:

Tired, nauseous, tender

How I am feeling emotionally:

Disbelief, worried, forgetful

Sensory over-load:

Smells were really strong yesterday - perfume, food, gas station hot dogs. LB opened a package of gum and it was really strong.

What we're excited about:

Going through the process of growing a baby

What we're nervous about:

Going through the process of growing a baby J

If I could be granted 3 wishes:

1.      Another blood test so I can nerd out on the numbers and maybe help put my mind at ease

2.      Restful nights of sleep for both of us (and maybe some naps too)

3.      The ability to keep my big mouth shut

Now for the others
How we knew I was ovulating:

I peed on a stick, well that and watched my ovaries through ultrasound

Who we told we were trying:

A few people at church and a few other friends

We've been trying to conceive for:

We actually got pregnant the first month we tried

When we first thought I might be pregnant:

We didn't really think I was but there was maybe a little rush of it one morning when one of the dogs threw up and I almost did too. But it might have been the hormone shot.

Lightning Bolt thought (or at least hoped) I was when:

I was seriously nauseous in the car on Friday July 20.

My biggest fears:

Throwing up, squeezing that baby out in 9 months. I know too much physics and it goes against all the laws of physics.

Our thoughts about becoming parents:

Excited, terrified, blessed to be trusted with such a huge important job

I can't wait for:

August 15. We don’t want to rush through everything but at the same time I want to see the ultrasound. I think it might help me be able to breathe again – I sort of feel like I'm holding my breath. But then again, I’m not sure parents are ever really able to breathe so that may not be a good one to wait for.

When we plan to spill the beans:

August 16 - SN’s mom, grandma, and one of her sisters. We’re going to give her mom the “wrong” present with a onesie in it (for her niece) that says “First grandchild Oldest Cousin.”

August 18 - LB’s family. We’re going to give her dad a Royals shirt with Grandpa 2013 on it and we’re going to take a picture with the rest of her family and right when we take it, instead of having them say “Cheese,” have them say “SN is pregnant.” We’ll also have something for SN’s other sister that says “I’m going to be an Auntie Again.”

Another 5....

By SN

At about 9:15 this morning, the doctor's office called with the results of Wednesday's blood work. It was 5 again (still?). So the nurse (we'll call her Surge) wanted to know if I would be up for one more blood draw to see what the heck was going on. So, shortly before 12:30, off I went - poor left arm, it's been abused this week. The doctor had this one done STAT (per my request because otherwise that would be a LOOOOOONG weekend!) so the results were due back sometime this afternoon.


Around 2:45, SN got a phone call that went something like this:

SN: "Hello."
Nurse Surge: "Hi, Supernova. How are you doing?"
SN: "Pretty good, I think."
Nurse Surge: "Well, we got the results of your blood test back."
SN: "Oh, yeah?"
Nurse Surge: "Yeah, and you're pregnant."
SN: "I am?"
Nurse Surge: "Yep."
SN: "Holy crap!"
Nurse Surge: "Ha, ha! You went up to a 45. Now, it's still early."
SN: "What the hell do I do now? Ha!"
Nurse Surge: "You know, take your vitamins, don't drink alcohol, and we'll set up an appointment for about 7 weeks."
SN: "Ok, thanks."
Nurse Surge: "You're welcome. And congratulations!"

So I guess I'm officially pregnant. Not sure I'll go so far as to say that Little Flash is on his or her way because it is still really early, but it's fair to say the spark caught and we've got a Little Blast.


SN


Earlier today we had a text-discussion about whether to do the bloodwork today since basically we would know a yes or no the "normal" way this weekend. So I didn't know if SN would go get it done or not.

Later as I was finishing up with appointments at work this afternoon I left an exam room to go get my stethoscope and noticed a familiar face sitting in the lobby. "I just thought I'd come here before I went home - take your time." So I finished up that appointment and did the next one. The last appointment left and there was a dog boarding that needed vaccinations so as I was getting ready to do that SN came in the room I was in. She sat there while we took care of the dog and I took it back to its kennel. When I got back into the room she shut the door behind me and said "I got my blood drawn again after VBS. I got another 5. Only this time it was preceded by a 4." My 5:00 Friday brain took a second for that statement to register. I think the thought process went something like this:

5.4?
No she said preceded...
4.5?
Okay, but that's not anything too exciting....
Wait, 45?
Is that possible in 2 days?
Does that mean....
Holy crap....


It still feels a little surreal. All night my brain has been trying to start a list about a mile long of things we need to do or should do or could do. So far I've just let myself indulge a little bit in how to tell our families. On August 18th we're going to KC for a mass birthday party for myself, my sister, and my mom's boyfriend so I think we're going to tell my mom's side of the family then. I think the best idea so far has been to take a group photo and instead of saying "Everybody say cheese!" we say "Everybody say Super Nova's pregnant!" and then you get a photo of their first reactions. Other than that we'll have to think of some ideas.

So 2 weeks before our 1st anniversary we find out there's a Little Flash in there.... I'm already amazed at what my wife can do and this is only the beginning....

LB

Quick Update

By LB

Just wanted to update - SN called yesterday afternoon for the new bloodwork results. She had to leave a message for them to call back and they didn't before closing yesterday. So we are hoping for a phone call this morning.

Stay tuned!

Epic Fail, Mr. Schrödinger

By SN

According to physics, we've just had the impossible happen. We took an observation and still don't know if the cat is dead or alive.

As of about 7:30 AM on Monday, my hCG level was 5 and my progesterone was 5.7 - which really means absolutely nothing other than:

a) the hCG is not below 2 (the number the nurse told me meant not pregnant, although we had read it was 5 or below....... SN likes the nurses number better.)
b) the progesterone is about where it should be for the later half of any given cycle (not terribly helpful, but hey)

Best we can tell, the number itself isn't that important - especially the hCG - but the fact that it is increasing (approximately doubling every 48 hours or so.) Since it's really hard to tell if it's increasing without checking it again, SN is on deck for more blood-sucking tomorrow, with results sometime Thursday.

This actually is not a bad thing since SN's mom has the best "pregnancy radar" of any person on the face of the Earth and we're supposed to be going to see that side of the family tomorrow afternoon. Now when she gives SN that look, we won't have anything to give away with big grins or sad faces.

Just a little post

By SN

Sorry to burst any bubbles, but no results yet....

I wrote this as I was sitting in the parking lot of the lab this morning getting ready to get my blood test.  I just felt like there were some thoughts I wanted to get down.

Mostly, I am just reminding myself that no matter what the results are, I know that God has a bigger, better plan than anything we can think of. I'm also thinking of a song that I've heard a lot recently that has a line where God says, "I might let you bend, but I won't let you break." I think, more than anything, we're resting on that promise. Either way - yes or no - God will be walking with us and as long as we follow Him, we'll (SN, LB, and any Little Flash that might be on the way at some point) end up exactly where we need to be to bring glory to God.

Just some thinking I've been doing and I wanted to put it down somewhere so when we're down the road a little, we can look back and remember what God was whispering to us.

Schrödinger's Blastocyst

By SN

Bear with us here as we get a little (ok, ok, a lot) nerdy.

As we've been going through the wait this week, we have been trying to find something to compare it to. And last night, LB hit the jackpot - Schrödinger's cat!

For those of you who might not be too familiar with quantum physics, Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment first proposed by Erwine Schrödinger in the 1930's. At the time, one of the big hang-ups in physics was quantum superposition. This idea states that any physical system exists in all of its theoretically possible states simultaneously until one of those states is measured. Schrödinger thought this absurd and proposed his "cat" thought experiment to challenge the idea. Schrödinger wrote:

One can even set up quite ridiculous cases. A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter, there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of the hour, one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges, and through a relay releases a hammer that shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts.

—Erwin Schrödinger, Die gegenwärtige Situation in der Quantenmechanik (The present situation in quantum mechanics), Naturwissenschaften (translated by John D. Trimmer in Proceedings of the American Philosophical Society)

The Cliff's notes version goes like this: A cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive source are placed in a sealed box. If an internal Geiger counter detects radiation, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the cat. The experiment can be interpreted to mean that while the box is closed, the system simultaneously exists in a superposition of the states "decayed nucleus/dead cat" and "undecayed nucleus/living cat," and that only when the box is opened and an observation performed does the wave function collapse into one of the two states, that is we see the cat either alive or dead.

Soooo......

In essence, we have a cat in the box at the moment. Right now SN is both pregnant and not pregnant. Until we have an observation (i.e. a pregnant or not-pregnant result on a beta-hCG test), both outcomes exist at the same time - and our brains are pretty confused by this!

Little Flash, huh?

By SN

Sometimes I forget that not everyone knows the story of why our little one (when he or she decides to join us) is being called "Little Flash" so I thought it might be good to tell the tale. I cannot claim credit for the story as I will be copying it word-for-word from a scrapbook presented to me at the end of the school year by its originator, Storm.

First some back story, though. As we've said, I am a high school teacher. I am not however, a typical high school teacher. I am a stand on the desk, jump around, goofy, jeans and t-shirt (or polo) high school teacher. I don't stand on formality and my room is typically in, what looks to be, organized chaos. But it works for me and my kiddos and most of them don't dread my class (plus, they actually learn some science, hopefully.) Because of the laid-back atmosphere, there is often some blurring of the teacher/student line and I probably share too much of my life with some of my students. I guess my feeling on the matter is that if I want them to open up, take risks, try new things, and let me in to what they are thinking and who they are, I can't very well stand up in front of them as this strict, closed-off, non-feeling, non-human, robot-teacher who never shares life with them or opens myself up to them. The flip side of that is that there is no hiding, no half-truths, no fudging facts about me and my life. As I've gotten deeper into my career, that has become more and more easy to do - most of the time.

This past school year challenged me in this as it was the first year I was married. I also had one student (Storm) who was very interested in my life outside of school.Very early on in the year - maybe within the first two or three weeks -  she asked if I was married ("Yes.") and then wanted to know about my husband. I had sort of been preparing for this, but the first time you get it, it's sort of terrifying. I told her I did not have a husband and if she was interested in finding out more, she was more than welcome to stay after school and I'd discuss it with her. The best part of the whole conversation was that she just could not wrap her mind around what I meant when I said that I was married, but did not have a husband. It finally took her group members giving her some looks and hints before she got it - ha! Anyway, she did stay after school that day and wanted to know everything. It wasn't that she was being rude or intruding or prying, she was just genuinely interested. I ended up starting from the very beginning of our story - stay tuned for that soap opera at a later date - and went all the way through to our wedding (that had just happened a few weeks earlier.) She even wanted to see the wedding pictures!

Over the course of the year, she and I got really close. She met LB one night at a play at our school - they hit it off immediately when LB made an inappropriate joke about why we would have trouble conceiving and second semester, she was my T.A. (after she punked out of pre-calc.) She would bounce ideas off me and we'd hang out after school solving both the world's problems and her personal ones.


With this background in mind, it really won't be too shocking that the following conversations occurred.

Storm: "Hey, you should have a baby because Mystique (another student) and I want to throw you a baby shower so she can make cupcakes."
Me: "Okay....."
Storm: "Yea, and I want to see this baby before I leave high school so in the fall."
Me: "Um...if I'm going to miss school, I rather have it at the end of the year."
Storm: "Okay, babies by 2013 then...."

**A few days later**

Storm: "Hey, when you have that baby I better be at its christening."
Me. "Storm, you will be but stop saying that before the class thinks I'm pregnant."
Storm: " Who cares! Now look here, if I have my pastoral license, I better do his baptism."
Me: "Okay, Storm."
Storm: "Yea look here, I want to be Aunt Storm, because I'm going to take it out and spoil it. Teach it about black people."
Me: "Storm, when it happens you'll be involved."
Storm: "Can I make it take piano?"
[no answer]
Storm: "Yeah, ok good because I always wished I could play and sing."
Me: "Okay, Storm."
Storm: "I think we need to just name it so I can stop calling it 'it'."
Me: "I just call it 'parasite'."
Storm: "Hell no, I'm naming it. Mystique, what should we name it?"
Mystique: "I don't know......how about Flash?"
Storm: "Oh my goodness, I love it! 'Come here, Little Flash.' 'I love you, Little Flash.' Do you like it?"
Me: "I guess."
Storm: "Well, Little Flash, it is!"

Introducing.....

....... Dr. MB (as in Mega Byte)

By SN

With a 2ww (ok, it's actually only 1 week wait for us) we thought we'd take the opportunity to introduce a few of the other main characters in our saga.

When we decided that this was the journey we were going to take, we knew the choice of doctor was going to one of the big things. In our minds, we needed an OB/GYN and a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility guy.) So we researched - there's a shocker, huh? - and talked to some folks we knew and finally decided on one of each. We made well-woman appointments with one guy (Dr. MB) and a consultation appointment a few weeks later with another guy (the RE.) As we talked about earlier (An Unwatched Pot Boils Immediately) once we had gone to the OB, we didn't really need to do the RE route just yet.

Besides the ease of exam and the jump-start on the baby thing, one of the other things we really like about Dr. MB is that he sort of has this routine (which for two fairly Type-A's is a good thing.) We've been through two months of follicle scans/ultrasounds and it's been fun to get into his pattern - let's look at this, then we'll go find that, here's the posterior cul de sac (which he can not, for the life of him, type on the screen and tell us about at the same time,) Another reason we like him is that he's sort of unique. He is this really soft-spoken older gentleman with these quirks that we just love. He has this phrase ("like this") that he uses like most people use "um" or "you, know?" It was sort of ingratiating at first, but it's starting become calming and dear to us.

I guess the biggest thing about him is that he really seems to care. He is really adamant about not hurting you. In fact, at least once a visit he says, "Let me know if I ever hurt you." I'm sure it's something he was taught to say in med school or something, but it comes across as if he really means it. Also, after our first visit(s), when I called to ask about something later that week, he made a point of asking me if LB was ok with how her exam went just because he knew how stressful it had been for her. Our last visit - insemination day - was not this happy, light-hearted, everything's-going-great sort of mood. But the last thing Dr. MB did on the way out was a) shake LB's left hand (because she was holding my hand still and he didn't make her let go) and b) pat my arm. I know it sounds dumb and goofy and inconsequential, but it was just this sweet, caring, little gesture to assure us and calm me and sort of remind us that he's going through this with us. And that's huge, you know. That he recognizes how big of a deal this is and, at least it feels like, he's happy and grateful to be on the journey with us.

And that's a little on our Dr. Mega Byte. We sort of like him.

Among the notable things about fire...

... is that it also requires oxygen to burn - exactly like its enemy, life. Thereby are life and flames so often compared. ~Otto Weininger

By SN

We did it. Round one is in the books. At approximately 9:42 AM (but, really, who's watching?) this morning SN was inseminated. The spark has been kindled and, we hope and pray, is on its way to becoming a Flash.

It's sort of funny to be on the other side of this now. It was so harried and crazy getting up to this point that now it sort of feels like a let down. I like how LB put it "I sort of feel a  little deflated or something." I think it's like Christmas where the countdown and lead-up is so fun and invigorating and exciting that once all the paper is cleaned up, you're sort of like "now what?"

I think part of the feeling hanging over us is this nagging suspicion that things didn't go quite as well as we had hoped. Don't get me wrong - the procedure itself went fine: ultrasound, insemination, wait 15-20 minutes (and I actually got to put my legs down on the table!), go about my day - but it wasn't a picture perfect, by the book type of deal.

First, the ultrasound no longer showed my big, beautiful 17+ mm follicle and it's cute little friend. Instead, there were three very smooshed (and therefore, squished down to like 10 mm apiece) cysts. None of them looked like our Sparky from yesterday, but it might have been the angle of the probe, the smashed-togetherness (how about that for a made-up word), or something else entirely.

Second, no fluid in the posterior cul de sac. Apparently, there is this weird pocket in the female anatomy where the fluid from the follicle cyst puddles after ovulation called the posterior cul de sac. I do have to take a minute here to go on my rant about cul de sacs. Since LB got her job in town and we've been thinking about moving, we have been driving aimlessly around looking for houses for rent. I think it should be illegal to have a street end in a cul de sac without warning people. If I can't see the end of it before I get all the way down the street, there should be a sign telling me that it ends soon. I know it has nothing to do with any of this baby stuff, but the word cul de sac always gets me fired up so I thought I'd share. Anyway, with the big cyst gone on the ultrasound it would have been nice to see some fluid built up in the p.c.d.s (my abbreviation, not medically accepted) to know that it had, indeed, burst.

Thirdly, when the doctor went to thread the tube into my uterus, my cervix wasn't open enough so he had to get a "cervix opener." I'm sure the tool has a proper name, but I'm all about practicality and calling things like I see them, so..... In and of itself, the fact that he had to open my cervix isn't a big deal or a huge roadblock, but with all the nerding out that I have done about what was going to be going on down there, I know that one of the things to look/feel for when charting ovulation is an open cervix. So, I was a little disappointed that - even with the over-ride - my body had not gotten the message to open the gates yet.

Lastly, once he was done with the procedure - but not before I got to get the tube out and go on with my day - he showed us the report from the andrology lab that thawed the sample. There are two main numbers to look at: post-thaw (PT) total motile sperm count (TMC) and percent motile. The guarantee from our bank is 10 million TMC/vial and the lab gave us a value of 16 million. So that one looked good. The other is split into three ranges: active, sluggish, and non-active. Those numbers were not so great. The specimen - according to their calculations - was 12% active, 22% sluggish, and 66% non-active. Now, there are A LOT of things that could contribute to those numbers including miscounting, counting too early, not having a great sample of the specimen, and more. But on the surface, not terribly great. In fact, the doctor told us that he'd much rather see first and last number switched. Hey, wait a minute, maybe that's what happened - the doctor who prepared the sample just wrote them down in the wrong order! (don't judge me, I need something to hold on to)

So between all those little things, it sort of adds up to us not holding our breath on this go-round. That said, we do have a tremendous amount of faith that if it is the right time and everything is ready for our Little Flash to be here, the one little "solider" (as our doctor referred to them as) that we need is in there right now, finding his (or her) way to Sparky. We also have just as much (whether I like how it feels or not) faith that if it's not the right time - or there is something left to be done or learned before Flash gets here - that it won't work and we'll be fine. Will we be disappointed, sure. I mean, come on, we wouldn't be doing all this if we didn't really, really, really want to have a baby, but we know that we have a good God "that works all things for the good of those who love him" (Romans 8:28) and that means we have to trust His timing and plans and purposes - even when they might not line up with ours.

What's left now - the fun part (this is where I would love a "sarcasm" font) - waiting. Although it is technically a 2-week wait since most people ovulate, and thus conceive, two weeks before their period; we are going to have some blood work done next Monday to check my progesterone levels. Since they were going to be drawing, and it can be somewhat accurate 6-8 days post-implantation, he went ahead and added the hCG beta level test (the blood work version of a pregnancy test.) The nurse was not completely sure how long those tests took to come back, but it looks like we might have some idea if it took by next Tuesday or so.

SN

System over-ride in process

By SN

I sort of feel like sometimes I'm back to being in middle school:

"Dear Diary,
Today was a great day. We went to church and then to the doctor and then we ate a really good lunch. The best part of the day was after our nap when we got to watch movies!"

But no, really it was a pretty good day. We did get to go to church and see a couple of ladies who are sort of "in-the-know" with us about where we are in the process and how things are going. It was really hard for us to try to figure out who (if anyone) we wanted to sort of take this journey with us and God has been so generous with us in leading us to our dear friends at church and we are so very thankful for them. At first, we weren't sure if we were going to tell anyone we are starting this journey, but it's sort of like with getting married last summer - it sort of just fell out of our mouths to exactly the right folks at exactly the right time. Since sharing this with them in the past few weeks, we have remarked to each other often how nice it is to have someone else out there walking with us.

After church, I called the doctor (stay tuned for an official introduction to him) and we went on over for the scan. After a positive last night, early this morning - no, I was not just nerding out for the sake of it. I was actually testing to see if the first urine of the morning thing was true) and then again right before I called him; we were sort of terribly concerned that our little Sparks might have flamed out early. But, and I'm sure you heard our sighs of relief around 10:45 this morning, they were still there - the big one at 17.4mm and the smaller one at 11.2mm. The smaller one has actually gotten smaller, but I am not sure he could get a great look at it because it's been squished by the big one. We went ahead and did the trigger shot - LB was a rockstar and gave it to me right in the parking lot! :) - just to hedge our bets and left a message with the storage facility that we need our sample ASAP in the morning.

So what does tomorrow look like? I got an email that excused me from my work stuff in the morning (that was the whoop of relief you might have heard around 7:30 tonight) so I think we're just going to hang out until whatever time they are going to have the goods ready. Once we know that, we will call the doctor's office to get on their schedule. The rest goes pretty quick - pick up "baby helper," go to doctor's office, do one more scan, inseminate, wait 15-20 minutes, go on with our day.

I am pretty sure it's a matter of just waiting after that, but we'll get more details tomorrow.

Oh, and we did have a good lunch (Bandana's) and watched movies (The Switch and The Kids are All Right - both of which were awesome!)

SN

A New High Point

By LB

We forgot to mention another highlight from today. We reached a milestone in this journey - taking an ovulation test in a Break Time bathroom. It probably won't be the last time.

On a related note - the LH test turned positive tonight so we should be on the right track with this Monday idea.

Faith and Knowledge

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. ~Peter Mere Latham

By LB

As we were going into the doctor's office this morning for the scan we were discussing the two follicles. SN said she thought the smaller of the two would be the same size as the other day and the larger one would have gotten larger. I told her that I thought they both would have gotten bigger. So we made a bet. If she was right I would buy her a chai tea latte later. We didn't decide what I would get if I was right.

Today the follicles were 16.4mm and 15.1mm (both larger by about 2mm, which is about the right pace for them to be growing). SN is still arguing that he measured the smaller one wrong because the first one he measured about 5 times and averaged the numbers but the smaller one he only measured once. Maybe that should tell us something about how important he thinks the smaller one is, but it's still fun to be right. Later while we were shopping SN wanted to go double or nothing for tomorrow and if I lost I had to get this crazy swimsuit she thinks I'd look good in. I didn't go for that one though....

The doctor also talked today about checking a progesterone test about 3 days after insemination. Progesterone helps the uterine lining stay receptive to the fertilized egg implanting when it's ready. If there isn't enough progesterone around it basically makes it harder for your body to realize you are pregnant and not have a period. He said there is an association between weak LH surges and low progesterone in the weeks after conception. Since SN's LH tests have done "weird" things he doesn't know whether her LH surge is not very strong or what. So he wants to check the level to make sure it's high enough to prevent a period if she gets pregnant. From doing some research ourselves later it looks like if the progesterone is too low at that point they often start progesterone supplementation.

I really appreciate our doctor trying to help us have the best chances possible in the fewest number of tries. At the same time, there is a nagging feeling at the back of my head that wonders just how much medical and hormonal intervention we really need. In some of the reading we've been doing there has been some discussion about the contrast between feeling like your pregnancy is a medical condition that needs to be managed rather than an life-experience of symbiosis and creation. I feel a similar pull between wanting to be successful in getting (and staying) pregnant in as few cycles as possible but not bombarding ourselves with potentially unnecessary hormones and tests that make this process feel more like another managed medical condition.

Just some thoughts for today. We'll have another scan tomorrow after church probably to see if we are ready to give the injection to trigger ovulation. Once we do that insemination will be about 24 hours later.

Sparky

By LB

Last night we were trying to think of a fun word for the follicles. We figured in order to have a flash you need a spark, so we figured we could call it/them Sparky. That made us both laugh, which is always a stress reliever.

Today's ultrasound showed that the follicles (yes, still two large ones...) are getting bigger at a slightly slower rate than the doctor predicted yesterday, so today he revised his estimated insemination date to Monday instead of Sunday. That makes us feel a little better because the doctor doesn't seem to have much confidence in the fertility clinic here in town where we are storing our "baby helper". It's not clear why, but he seems to lack trust in their statements that all we have to do is call and leave a message and someone will check it over the weekend and call us to set up a time to pick it up. From our perspective, the staff in the office there have just not been terribly friendly and we have a hard time contacting the people involved in the storage aspect of their clinic. At least it's nearby and the people that do the storage and preparation stuff seem to be very good and have been helpful when we are actually able to speak with them. If we do need more specialized fertility treatments of some sort down the road we will be happily going to the other fertility specialist in town. So basically we're feeling a little better to be looking at a Monday insemination, even though that creates some conflicts with meetings and work that wouldn't be there over the weekend.

We are going back to the doctor tomorrow to check again on the progress. We went to the pharmacy and picked up the "trigger shot" so we would have it when the time comes to use it - probably on Sunday. I've told Supernova that I'm not looking forward to giving her a shot in the rump nearly as much as she probably thinks I am.

Do what you can do....

....and God will do what you cannot do. - Joyce Meyers

By SN

I heard that today on the radio while I was going to meet my mom, sister, and niece for lunch and it sort of stuck. I think that's sort of where I've been hanging out lately - do what we know to do and rest in letting God do what we can't.

So what can we do? We can go to the doctor and get an ultrasound - so that's what we did today. Since Tuesday, my two little 8 mm cysts have grown to 12.5 mm and 10.8 mm, respectively. On that pace, the doctor predicts that the bigger one will be up to about 15 tomorrow, 17 or so on Saturday, and about 20 on Sunday. If that's the case - and we'll be checking everyday from here on out - I'll get the trigger shot Saturday and inseminate Sunday. That, of course, would mean that I am somewhat predictable and everything does what it's supposed to. In other words, I'm not holding my breath. :)

One of the things I have sort of worried about (about myself) is my ability to actually wait to take a pregnancy test. With using the shot to help things along, my patience - or lack thereof - has been removed from the equation. By using the hCG to override the signal to release the egg, it will be in my system basically the entire two week wait (2ww.)

One of the other big things I've been worried about is money. I know we have enough right now to get this party started, but after the guest of honor arrives it'll be a whole other ball game. After going to talk to the insurance guru lady at work, I can honestly say that I am no longer worried - I'm terrified! Between co-pays, well baby visits, flex accounts, child care accounts (and a few other things I knew nothing about) I am just hoping my check will cover it all and we won't have to pay money back to school - HA! I know that we'll be fine and that it's (probably, hopefully) not as huge a thing as it looks like it is right now, but it's something that's out there in my head.

I guess that sort of leaves me where I started this - do what you can do and let God do what you can't. So tomorrow, I can go to the doctor and continue to wait and watch God do what He can do.

Praying in Color

By LB

I've been fascinated lately with finding new ways to pray - not just the old "Dear God...." where you are supposed to use full sentences with correct grammar and punctuation and speak in eloquent, clear paragraphs. I got a book at the library called Praying in Color and it really opened up a new world of prayer to me. There is a section that lists some common prayer "dilemas" that may be a good indication that this method of prayer is good for you. Among them are:
      You make a list of the people for whom you want to pray and then don't know what to pray for
      You can't sit still long enough to get past the "Our Father" or "Hello God" step
      You ask that God's will be done and then cross your fingers and hope you can bear the results
      You start to pray and then realize you're thinking about paying the bills
      Your spirit and body reach a place of calm and stillness in prayer and then you fall asleep

This book has given me a way to pray without having to write a composition in my head to God (and get distracted or fall asleep or not be able to find the words to use). It leaves a sort of visual footprint in my head that I can re-visit later to re-pray. It allows my hands to be doing something as I pray, which helps keep my brain on track. It lets me give more meaning that words alone can give by using color and shapes and pictures to demonstrate the things I pray for. Sometimes I add single words into the pictures that help focus on what exactly I am praying for.

Since Flash and all that surrounds the concept of a Flash has been on my mind so much recently, of course some of my prayers have been for him or her and the people involved with this process. I thought I would share some of my "Little Flash" prayers. 

This is one of the very first ones I tried using all the colored pens we take to church with us.

After my inital attempts with the pens I started carrying colored pencils with me everywhere. During my hour-long lunch break (that at first was really hard to occupy, especially being used to barely getting a lunch break) after I get done eating I pull out the colored pencils and pray. This is a page I filled up with prayers for Flash, our doctor, the donor we chose, and the first try in July.

Since this is a place for us to record our journey, I wanted to make sure and include my prayers for our Little Flash that started before there even is a Little Flash.

This is not a drill!

By SN & LB

Today was our first doctor's appointment of this cycle. While the nurse was taking Supernova's blood pressure she asked if she had been on Clomid (a fertility drug) this cycle. She cracked everybody up when she replied "Nah, we're going to do this the old fashioned way - well, as much as we can anyway."

Probably the biggest highlight of today's appointment was the decision to go ahead and use a little bit of hormonal intervention once it's almost time for ovulation. Over the last two months of keeping track of ovulation tests we have seen an unusual pattern in the tests. On day 12 or 13 of the cycle the first positive test shows up. Normally the tests should continue to be positive for 2-3 days. However, both months, the tests have been negative the next day and then back to positive the day after that. We don't know if that happened on the very first month because once the test turned positive we called it good and didn't check any more after that. When we showed our (apparently) impressive printed timeline of these tests to the doctor he said, "I don't like to use this word, but that's just weird." He immediately introduced the idea of "over-riding the system" with a single injection to induce ovulation once the follicle has reached the appropriate size. This would essentially eliminate the guesswork of which positive test to base insemination off of. We both felt immense relief at that idea and agreed whole-heartedly.

Today there were two follicles at 8mm (two???!!!) so one or both of those should continue to increase in size. We will have several more scans later this week to see how big they are and once they reach 18mm the doctor will give the injection to stimulate ovulation and insemination will be the following morning. So by the end of next weekend we should be through with our first IUI procedure. Then the waiting begins.....

Crazy, Excited, and Terrified (in no particular order)

By SN

So it appears as if we won't be blogging in June....... whoops! It's really not a big deal because there wasn't much to talk about.

The biggest event was "The Decision" (read Lebron James style drama without the network TV show.) After securing the appropriate funding - honestly, we didn't need the Jeep paid off - all that was left was to pick a donor.


The first choice we made was what tissue/sperm bank we wanted to use. There are way more than you would think so that ended up being quite a feat. Basically, we narrowed it down by certification - there are only a handful in the nation that are AATB (American Association of Tissue Banks) accredited. Once we were there, it is sort of a toss-up. We looked at just about everything we could access: testing procedures, ID options, number of donors, price, information available, shipping, storage, etc. After all of that comparison, we went with Cryogenic Laboratories. Some of the high points for us are their prices (about $200 less than most without sacrificing quality, safety, or choices), the information available (nearly everything was free - childhood picture, medical profile, personal profile, audio files of the donor and staff impressions - in fact, the only pieces of information we had to buy were the Keirsey report (more on that later) and the lifetime photos), and the ID release program (when a registered child turns 18, they get the donor's full name, date of birth, last known telephone numbers and addresses.)

As we have alluded to previously (see Truth), we had a lot of trouble with the standard criteria available for narrowing the donors down to potential candidates. In the end we did a fairly simple search for only the necessary criteria (IUI, ID release, caucasian - that, in and of itself, was acutally a pretty big topic of discussion) and then we added that he should be CMV (cytomegalovirus) negative. That narrowed it down to a more manageable level. Of that group of donors, it was a fairly easy choice for us - one donor who had intelligent, funny, personal answers to the essay questions and during the audio interview.  In preparation to make an order we requested a copy of his lifetime photo series - about 8 photos of him at various ages from infant to adult. We settled in on the couch the next evening to open up the email with the photos and were met with the unsettling fact that we do judge people by their appearances. The goofy grins in the baby photos were cute, and the awkward gangly 9 year old photo was cute, and the maturing nearly-adult high school photos were cute. The description that came to both of our minds for the adult photo, however, was "terrorist". There was no smile, there was none of the earlier glint in the eyes, there was no happy to be alive. There were stony eyes, a patchy beard, and almost angry lips. And those are not characteristics that we want our child(ren) to see in the photos of their donor.

So now what???

Back to the drawing board. The next day we were both really grumpy and tired of sitting on the couch at home. LB convinced SN to pack up the new (thank you school) iPad, some ear buds, notebook paper, and get out of the house. We went to a local restaurant, sat in a booth and repeated the previous search except we removed the requirement for CMV negative, opening up a few more potential donors. We looked at the list together and listened to all of the audio interviews and reviewed the donor profiles. One new one stood out to us among the others. The downside (really?) was that he is CMV positive. We decided to order his photo series, thinking that if there is a creepy picture in his as well we will go ahead with the CMV negative donor.

The pictures arrived Monday and we sat down after work to check out the new donor's pictures. The goofy grins in the baby photos were cute, and the awkward gangly 9 year old photo was cute, and the maturing nearly-adult high school photos were cute. And - lo and behold - the adult picture was of a man with a slightly mischevious glint in his eye, smiling at the camera. The relief we felt at seeing that picture was palpable for both of us.

Our next question was just what does it mean or matter to have a CMV positive donor. In the end it seems the answer is that it means very little. Our doctor told us that if we have a choice between two donors and one is negative and one is positive and all else is equal, go with the negative to be safe. We researched (shocking, right?) more into CMV and discovered that the biggest problem would come if we are negative now (which it turns out Supernova is, because we had it checked) and were to become infected with it while pregnant. But the risk of aquiring CMV is much higher for her just from working with teenagers all day than from using a donor who shows a previous infection and no signs of a current active infection. In our minds, the choice was not between a CMV positive donor and a CMV negative one. It was between a CMV positive donor and a completely overwhelming task of having to re-think our entire search process, and potentially use a different bank.

We have a winner!! (We hope...)

So that was June - mostly just the last two weeks - and it ended last Thursday with an order. We are now owners of 12 vials of "baby helper" (as LB's dad so eloquently put it) with five of those vials in route to the in-town storage lab as we speak.

Tomorrow the real deal begins (although if you count the OPK testing it started today) with the first follicle scan (ultrasound) of this cycle. Now that things are getting rolling, we should have much more to report so the posts will be more regular.

Stay tuned.....