By LB
It's so easy to get ahead of ourselves and start looking at baby stuff and nursing stuff and information about labor & delivery. And I think it's good that we do some of that to stay motivated and keep dreaming about one day when we have this tiny thing growing inside that we need to plan for. But I think I may have either overdosed on it or gotten a bit of a reality check from this book we've been reading. It's called The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians and it's a really good overview of the whens, whys, hows, and such of getting and being pregnant. It's not just meant for lesbians with partners, but also any woman who wants to do the solo-mother thing. But it sort of has provided a reality check about what we should expect, which sometimes has felt like just a reality check and at other times has felt pretty discouraging. There is only at best a 20-25% chance of conceiving in a given try. I knew that already, don't get me wrong. I think I had just been still expecting or at least hoping we would be some of those lucky ones who get pregnant on the first try.
We've been talking about buying 10 vials of sperm, so basically 10 tries if we do one insemination each month and 5 months if we do 2 per month (there is some evidence that the rate of pregnancy increases slightly if you inseminate twice - usually one at home near the cervix and the second at the clinic into the uterus). There are a few concerns with buying 10 vials. It sort of puts all our eggs in one basket, so to speak. If the donor we choose has never gotten anyone pregnant, do we want to buy 10 vials of his? Or do we just buy a few of his to see if it works and accept the risk that there may not be more available later for siblings later? Or do we simply avoid a donor with no reported pregnancies? Even if he is a recent addition to the donor pool? Someone has to be the first pregnancy! We have sort of agreed that if we aren't pregnant by next September or October we'll take a break and relax about it a little bit. So should we just get enough to use between June and October? There are no easy answers, and probably not a right answer (which may be one of the hardest things a semi-perfectionist has to accept).
I think in the end we both believe that we will get pregnant and have the baby we were meant to have and he or she will be perfect. We just worry that it will take many tries and months and doctor visits and stress and waiting to get there. And that brings me the next thought that has been in the front of my head today (although not all the time). It's frustrating that we have to pay for a baby when there are so many people in the world who accidentally get pregnant or who just have sex a few times and all of a sudden are pregnant. I know, I know.... "Then don't marry a lesbian and you can have that too" (I'm not even going there). "You could adopt one of those accidents, you know" (btw, that costs a boatload too, and most places won't allow us to adopt a baby together either). "That's a choice you made when you started down this road" (at least I have a choice - yours was made for you when you had sex!)
As much as I'm frustrated by the additional expense and planning and work we have to go through to have a baby, I'm thankful that we can do it at all. And humbled that (hopefully) we will still have a relatively straightforward and easy process to becoming pregnant. There are so many people in this world who want children every bit as much as we do, if not more, that have to go through so many medical tests, procedures, tries, failures, losses. My heart aches a little bit more for them than it would otherwise, because we are getting this small taste of their experiences. Maybe it will help me be a little more compassionate and understanding toward other families who want children so badly and have such a hard time becoming parents.
I guess those are my thoughts for today. We are getting closer every day, even if we don't know when it'll happen.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Truth
Appearances
are not held to be a clue to the truth. But we seem to have no other. ~Ivy
Compton-Burnett
By LB
So we've seen what a positive ovulation test looks like. Next cycle we will go for an ultrasound a day or two before ovulation (hopefully) to make sure that SN's ovaries and uterus are doing what they are supposed to be doing. In the meantime, we're still really struggling with how to choose a donor. The searches are all soooo focused on the superficial, physical appearances. There is no way to look at every single donor without spending 3 years doing it (by which time, there would be a whole new pool of overly-fertile 20-somethings to look through). We want our child(ren) to come from someone mentally and physically healthy.
Guess what California Cryobank - we don't care if he has green, blue, brown, hazel, black, or grey eyes; we want him to have kind, honest eyes. We don't care if he has curly, wavy, or straight hair; do you know how vague that really is considering all the different varieties of "straight" there are??? We don't care if his hair is black, brown, blond, red, red-brown, or strawberry blond. We want him to show concern and respect for all people, regardless of the color their hair or skin is. Because you know what? Our child(ren) are going to resemble us no matter what our donor looked like - they are going to resemble us in how they treat people, in saying please and thank you, in their laughter, in their questions, and in their tenderness. And those things will be their regardless of what their donor's height, weight, complexion, eye color, hair color, religion, education level, ethnic origin, or blood type is.
By LB
So we've seen what a positive ovulation test looks like. Next cycle we will go for an ultrasound a day or two before ovulation (hopefully) to make sure that SN's ovaries and uterus are doing what they are supposed to be doing. In the meantime, we're still really struggling with how to choose a donor. The searches are all soooo focused on the superficial, physical appearances. There is no way to look at every single donor without spending 3 years doing it (by which time, there would be a whole new pool of overly-fertile 20-somethings to look through). We want our child(ren) to come from someone mentally and physically healthy.
Guess what California Cryobank - we don't care if he has green, blue, brown, hazel, black, or grey eyes; we want him to have kind, honest eyes. We don't care if he has curly, wavy, or straight hair; do you know how vague that really is considering all the different varieties of "straight" there are??? We don't care if his hair is black, brown, blond, red, red-brown, or strawberry blond. We want him to show concern and respect for all people, regardless of the color their hair or skin is. Because you know what? Our child(ren) are going to resemble us no matter what our donor looked like - they are going to resemble us in how they treat people, in saying please and thank you, in their laughter, in their questions, and in their tenderness. And those things will be their regardless of what their donor's height, weight, complexion, eye color, hair color, religion, education level, ethnic origin, or blood type is.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Hope
“Hope
begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the
right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give
up.” - Anne Lamott
By SN
I think this is really where I have been camping out lately - in hope. I am hoping for so many things for us: good reports from the doctor, LB's job situation to work out, figuring out the money thing that sort of keeps popping up. I have the very real and distinct feeling that we'll be fine - that at some point in the future, we're going to look back at this and read these posts and know we've made it through. It's just the getting there that is so dang hard.
I keep thinking about all these ups and downs we've had - from the doctor's appt. going so well and the immediate rush of (there's that word again) hope that we can really do this, to the sort of sinking reality of exactly how much money we have (not a lot) and how much we're going to need (sort of a lot); from hearing about two different jobs within a 36 hour time-frame to sitting here knowing that (probably) by the end of May, she'll be out of a job - also, not helpful with the money stuff - are sort of the "training camp" for all the ups and downs we've yet to experience. But I think that going through all of this is also giving me (one more time) hope that we are learning and developing the skills we'll need - individually and as a couple - to weather the ups and downs that are out there for us.
So I guess I'm feeling stubborn - we will show up, we will do the best things we can, and we will wait (not as patiently as we probably should, but.....) and keep working and not giving up when there seems to be these huge walls or mountains or just even little mole-hills that we can't imagine getting over or around - money and jobs and donors and doctors and decisions.
By SN
I think this is really where I have been camping out lately - in hope. I am hoping for so many things for us: good reports from the doctor, LB's job situation to work out, figuring out the money thing that sort of keeps popping up. I have the very real and distinct feeling that we'll be fine - that at some point in the future, we're going to look back at this and read these posts and know we've made it through. It's just the getting there that is so dang hard.
I keep thinking about all these ups and downs we've had - from the doctor's appt. going so well and the immediate rush of (there's that word again) hope that we can really do this, to the sort of sinking reality of exactly how much money we have (not a lot) and how much we're going to need (sort of a lot); from hearing about two different jobs within a 36 hour time-frame to sitting here knowing that (probably) by the end of May, she'll be out of a job - also, not helpful with the money stuff - are sort of the "training camp" for all the ups and downs we've yet to experience. But I think that going through all of this is also giving me (one more time) hope that we are learning and developing the skills we'll need - individually and as a couple - to weather the ups and downs that are out there for us.
So I guess I'm feeling stubborn - we will show up, we will do the best things we can, and we will wait (not as patiently as we probably should, but.....) and keep working and not giving up when there seems to be these huge walls or mountains or just even little mole-hills that we can't imagine getting over or around - money and jobs and donors and doctors and decisions.
Monday, April 2, 2012
"An unwatched pot boils immediately" H.F. Ellis
By LB
We have several friends who have been outstanding, encouraging resources so far and no doubt they will be in the future. They had several recommendations on doctors, some Ob/Gyn and some specialists in infertility. (On a side note, we have tried to name our type of "infertility" but haven't come up with anything that really sticks - aphallic infertility, congenital aspermia, etc.) There is a point when websites and web reviews don't tell you enough information. After reaching that point, we found a moment to sit down together and actually call some of them and talk to a real person. We chose a specialist mostly based on the helpfulness, openness, and tone of voice of the person on the other end of the phone.
The wait for that appointment was going to be about 6 weeks. In the meantime we scheduled back-to-back appointments for yearly exams and checkups for both of us with the Ob/Gyn that our friends had recommended. One of the main reasons we thought he might be a good choice was because of how much he honored their relationship - when the one having a baby needed to make a pretty big medical decision in the middle of labor and was unsure which choice to make, the doctor just went and got her partner because that's who needed to help her decide. When scheduling the appointments, we mentioned that we were hoping to get pregnant soon and would like to meet the doctor to get an idea of personality and style before we decided to go there for Ob visits. Their reply was "Oh, well we can help you with that too" and we thought that probably meant they can help us once we are pregnant.
Apparently what they really meant was that they can help us with the getting pregnant part. On the way to the exam room we both noticed some printed information from the website for California Cryobank. The doctor came in carrying that information, which they had obviously printed to give to us. We spent probably 30 minutes discussing the process of becoming pregnant, much of which we had already found on our own, but it was good to have comfirmation that we were on the right track. He said they are able to do the "fertility" aspect of what we needed. If it turns out we have trouble getting pregnant, we may need the help of the "infertility" specialists. We discussed which sperm banks he recommended and why, what the next step is as far as office visits, ovulation testing and which test he recommended, when to test, when to call them next. He literally started answering the questions we had been working on for the specialist before we even knew we could ask them of him. Talk about floored!
And guess what else? He did a faster, easier, less intimidating well-woman exam than either of us thought possible. Things that had never been pain-free were. We have a winner!!!
So in an hour, we basically went from spinning our wheels, not knowing what our next step should be, to knowing what we would need to do over the next several months. Needless to say, our heads were sort of spinning.
We have several friends who have been outstanding, encouraging resources so far and no doubt they will be in the future. They had several recommendations on doctors, some Ob/Gyn and some specialists in infertility. (On a side note, we have tried to name our type of "infertility" but haven't come up with anything that really sticks - aphallic infertility, congenital aspermia, etc.) There is a point when websites and web reviews don't tell you enough information. After reaching that point, we found a moment to sit down together and actually call some of them and talk to a real person. We chose a specialist mostly based on the helpfulness, openness, and tone of voice of the person on the other end of the phone.
The wait for that appointment was going to be about 6 weeks. In the meantime we scheduled back-to-back appointments for yearly exams and checkups for both of us with the Ob/Gyn that our friends had recommended. One of the main reasons we thought he might be a good choice was because of how much he honored their relationship - when the one having a baby needed to make a pretty big medical decision in the middle of labor and was unsure which choice to make, the doctor just went and got her partner because that's who needed to help her decide. When scheduling the appointments, we mentioned that we were hoping to get pregnant soon and would like to meet the doctor to get an idea of personality and style before we decided to go there for Ob visits. Their reply was "Oh, well we can help you with that too" and we thought that probably meant they can help us once we are pregnant.
Apparently what they really meant was that they can help us with the getting pregnant part. On the way to the exam room we both noticed some printed information from the website for California Cryobank. The doctor came in carrying that information, which they had obviously printed to give to us. We spent probably 30 minutes discussing the process of becoming pregnant, much of which we had already found on our own, but it was good to have comfirmation that we were on the right track. He said they are able to do the "fertility" aspect of what we needed. If it turns out we have trouble getting pregnant, we may need the help of the "infertility" specialists. We discussed which sperm banks he recommended and why, what the next step is as far as office visits, ovulation testing and which test he recommended, when to test, when to call them next. He literally started answering the questions we had been working on for the specialist before we even knew we could ask them of him. Talk about floored!
And guess what else? He did a faster, easier, less intimidating well-woman exam than either of us thought possible. Things that had never been pain-free were. We have a winner!!!
So in an hour, we basically went from spinning our wheels, not knowing what our next step should be, to knowing what we would need to do over the next several months. Needless to say, our heads were sort of spinning.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
And so it begins.....
....sort of.
By LB
Before we can get to the "beginning," we probably ought to catch you up from where we've been.
We got married last August and part of the major reason we wanted to make that commitment was because we were getting pretty serious about looking into this "kids" thing and we knew that we wanted something official - well, as official as anything in Missouri can be - to signify we were in this together and for the long haul. BTW, if you ever have the chance to go to Cedar Rapids, IA, we can recommend a great bed and breakfast. ;)
When we first starting thinking about how to have children (since the good old-fashioned method is not going to get us anywhere) it seemed there were a multitude of options and decisions to be made.
Do we want to have a baby of our own or adopt? While the thought of adopting a child has really pushed on us, we want to try having our own first.
Who gets pregnant first? Supernova - she's older. (Scientific, huh?)
Do we want to use a sperm bank or find someone we know to donate sperm? This decision was a little bit harder and we thought long and hard about whether there is someone we wanted to approach with this request. There were several people we considered, but they were all either too far away, not healthy enough, or it would just create too much weirdness for everyone involved. In the end, we also figured that the cost of using a sperm bank is not going to be hugely different than using someone we know, once you go through the process of testing their sperm for count and viability, checking for transmissible infections, drawing up donor contracts, and paying for legal services. So sperm bank it it.
Which one? Oh my heavens, there are about 50 to choose from, 6 of which are accredited, and all of which have a myriad of donors to choose from.
So while we were sorting all of that out, we knew that however it happened, it needed to include some pretty specific timing. Cue the basal thermometer. We started charting basal body temperature (BBT) - at least trying to chart - the beginning of September. The main result was evident fairly quickly: only one of us was particularly great at doing it consistently. It actually worked out well because the one who got into a pretty good habit - Supernova - was the one we really needed info on anyway since she was going first. Six months of charting later and we know a few things: SN can now take her temperature without waking up, she's got a pretty good bi-phasic temperature curve, and BBT helps almost exactly none with trying to figure out when the best time is to try to conceive. Although it gives you a pretty good idea about if you ovulate regularly, it's an after-the-fact type of reading (not particularly helpful when needing to place an order or pick up a vial a few days before ovulation. Oh well, we had fun nerding out on that and, if nothing else, it kept us busy and "working on trying" for a while - which was all we were really ready for at that point, I think.
Other than taking those steps and making those decisions we were really at a loss as to what to do next. It seemed like we were spinning our wheels at times, but we are the types of people who gather and process information (a.k.a. nerd-out) before making a decision or starting down a particular road. We read blogs and forum discussions, talked to friends who have gone through this before, delved into websites for sperm banks and doctors, and tried to discern what the next step might be.
Well, rather unexpectedly, last Wednesday it seems the wheels caught on some solid ground and we started moving at a pace that neither of us expected. More on that next time....
By LB
Before we can get to the "beginning," we probably ought to catch you up from where we've been.
We got married last August and part of the major reason we wanted to make that commitment was because we were getting pretty serious about looking into this "kids" thing and we knew that we wanted something official - well, as official as anything in Missouri can be - to signify we were in this together and for the long haul. BTW, if you ever have the chance to go to Cedar Rapids, IA, we can recommend a great bed and breakfast. ;)
When we first starting thinking about how to have children (since the good old-fashioned method is not going to get us anywhere) it seemed there were a multitude of options and decisions to be made.
Do we want to have a baby of our own or adopt? While the thought of adopting a child has really pushed on us, we want to try having our own first.
Who gets pregnant first? Supernova - she's older. (Scientific, huh?)
Do we want to use a sperm bank or find someone we know to donate sperm? This decision was a little bit harder and we thought long and hard about whether there is someone we wanted to approach with this request. There were several people we considered, but they were all either too far away, not healthy enough, or it would just create too much weirdness for everyone involved. In the end, we also figured that the cost of using a sperm bank is not going to be hugely different than using someone we know, once you go through the process of testing their sperm for count and viability, checking for transmissible infections, drawing up donor contracts, and paying for legal services. So sperm bank it it.
Which one? Oh my heavens, there are about 50 to choose from, 6 of which are accredited, and all of which have a myriad of donors to choose from.
So while we were sorting all of that out, we knew that however it happened, it needed to include some pretty specific timing. Cue the basal thermometer. We started charting basal body temperature (BBT) - at least trying to chart - the beginning of September. The main result was evident fairly quickly: only one of us was particularly great at doing it consistently. It actually worked out well because the one who got into a pretty good habit - Supernova - was the one we really needed info on anyway since she was going first. Six months of charting later and we know a few things: SN can now take her temperature without waking up, she's got a pretty good bi-phasic temperature curve, and BBT helps almost exactly none with trying to figure out when the best time is to try to conceive. Although it gives you a pretty good idea about if you ovulate regularly, it's an after-the-fact type of reading (not particularly helpful when needing to place an order or pick up a vial a few days before ovulation. Oh well, we had fun nerding out on that and, if nothing else, it kept us busy and "working on trying" for a while - which was all we were really ready for at that point, I think.
Other than taking those steps and making those decisions we were really at a loss as to what to do next. It seemed like we were spinning our wheels at times, but we are the types of people who gather and process information (a.k.a. nerd-out) before making a decision or starting down a particular road. We read blogs and forum discussions, talked to friends who have gone through this before, delved into websites for sperm banks and doctors, and tried to discern what the next step might be.
Well, rather unexpectedly, last Wednesday it seems the wheels caught on some solid ground and we started moving at a pace that neither of us expected. More on that next time....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)